The Art of Advice: "How To Give Advice and Not Get Shot”

Good advice is a valuable gift that we offer people. Yet, we sometimes find that in spite of our best intentions, our feedback is not appreciated, or even resented. The ability to offer suggestions in a positive and constructive way is an art.

Below is an outline and a brief description of what is covered in the 3-session “How To Give Advice and Not Get Shot” course: the eight skills, the four mistakes and the foundation for all effective communication.

You will learn when not to give advice. And when you do give advice you will do it in a way that will be appreciated, whether or not people follow your ideas. In short, you will know "how to give advice and not get shot."

The 8-session Mastery Course additional significant information, and includes practice and individual coaching. (That is why it is limited to 10 participants.)

In both courses you receive a user-friendly handout with every point made in the course and every quote, so you can focus on learning the skills.


For dates of upcoming courses, and to register, go to the Schedule page.


Don't want to take a risk? Go to the Schedule page and register for the first session of any course as my gift to you. Then decide for yourself if this is right for you.

Here are the eight skills of The Art of Advice; the four mistakes; and the foundation for all effective communication.


Skill #1: “Listen First”

Skilled communicators take the time to “Listen First” before offering advice. They resist the temptation to hear the first few lines, decide that they know what it is about and start giving advice. In addition to giving us the full picture, “Listening First” allows people to work out their own solutions, and creates openness to our suggestions.


Skill #2: “Acknowledge”, when needed

When the issue at hand is complex or is emotionally charged, “Listen First” is not enough. We need to also paraphrase, validate, or respond empathically before proceeding, and you will learn how to do each of these. Skills #1 and #2 help you avoid the mistake of “Rushing to Solution.”


Skill #3: “Ask or Have”

It is crucial to be sure the other person wants your advice. So either “Ask Permission” to give advice, and proceed only if you get a “yes”, or “Have an Invitation” and know that your advice is welcome. Unsolicited advice is a major communication mistake. Of course, there is a "right way" and a "wrong way" to ask permission, and you will learn how to do it right.


Skill #4: “Offer Without Insisting”

Skilled communicators offer their advice and then let people decide if it is right for them. Insisting on your advice being followed typically comes across as arrogant, disrespectful and controlling. It is also counter-productive, since “insisting promotes resisting.” You will learn how to "offer" skillfully, and how to respond to the "yes", the "no" and the "lukewarm yes" that you get when you offer to give advice.

There can be an important exception to Skills #3 and #4, and that is if you have legal, moral or ethical responsibility for another.


Skill #5: “Calibrate”, when necessary

"Calibrate" means "to measure". Make sure that your advice is doable for the other. Suggesting something that is beyond people’s abilities can lead to frustration and giving up. “Just do it!” may be a good marketing line for running shoes, but is typically a poor approach togiving advice. You will learn important tips on how to Calibrate so that the advice you give is right for the other.


Skill #6: “Check for resonance”

Ask people if your advice is right for them. By listening to any concerns or additional information they raise, you get to fine-tune your input and tailor it more closely to this person and these circumstances. This helps you avoid the “illusion of solution”.


Skill #7: “Know and Honor Your Limitations”

Speak about areas of your expertise, and be very cautious about giving advice about things you do not know much about. Poor advice is much worse that no advice. The sages of old counseled, “Teach your tongue to say: I don’t know.” It is still sage advice.


Skill #8: “Check for completion”

Ask if the matter has been fully resolved. There may be other aspects that have not yet been addressed. Some people, concerned about being perceived as argumentative or time-wasters, will not raise those additional aspects unless invited to.



Mistake #1: Discounting

“You shouldn’t feel that way” is an excellent way to shut down a conversation, cause people emotional pain and undermine relationships. There are three common reasons that lead people to “discount” the other. You will learn how not to fall into this trap.


Mistake #2: Autobiographical Responding

Expressing our opinions, feelings and experiences before we have “Listened First” and “Acknowledged” is a sign of an unskilled communicator. When used as a first response, our ideas move the conversation from focusing on the other to focusing on ourselves.You will learn why people make this mistake and how to avoid it.


Mistake #3: Interrupting the Silence

Often when we offer advice people take time to reflect on it. This is their processing time, and interrupting it can get in the way of people weighing our advice and arriving at solutions that are right for them.


Mistake #4: Disrespecting

This can take the form of Shaming (“How did you ever get yourself into such a mess? What’s wrong with you?”); Condescending (“Sounds like you don’t know a thing about this, so let me start teaching you!”); Criticism Disguised as Advice; and Teaching, Preaching and Moralizing.

The Foundation For All The Skills

Communication skills have value when they are expressions of an underlying attitude of respect and caring. Otherwise, our words are often perceived as “techniques,” and create distance rather than connection.

Make sure that your intentions are clean and that you seek to help the other rather than show how smart you are. Regardless of the words you use, people will pick up intuitively if you are coming from an ego-driven place.